Happiness, Heartbreak, and Lessons Learned

I have been avoiding this post for as long as possible. It has always been in the back of my mind that I need to post, but other things keep coming up. And to be honest, I really haven't wanted to address it.

As most of you already know, Kevin and I have decided to be foster parents, in the hopes that we might be able to add to our family and adopt a little girl. This in and of itself is a small miracle. Raising four kids is hard enough, so to add the extra responsibility of another child is somewhat overwhelming.

A few days before Mother's day I got a phone call that there was a baby girl ready to be picked up at the hospital, she was 2 days old. I instantly called Kevin, who was out of town, to tell him the news. With my mind in complete shock, I was basket of nerves getting ready for this baby girl. The following day, I picked her up from the hospital. I don't know what I was more nervous for, bringing her home or running into the birth mother. (Now, don't get me wrong, she is not a bad person. She has just made some poor choices, that resulted in her baby being taken away.) I don't know how many of you realize this, but I am someone who has a hard time branching out and opening up myself to others.

Our sweet princess was welcomed into our home with loving arms! The kids absolutely fell in love with her, as did Kevin and myself. She was not only welcomed and loved by our family, but our extended family and freinds as well. I tried for the first little while to keep my guard up, but when a little 5 pound baby is dependent on you for everything, it's inevitable...she quickly stole my heart!

The foster system is really quite complicated, no two cases are the same, so nobody ever really knows what is going to happen. In the classes Kevin and I took, we were told a number of things that are "supposed" to happen in a case like ours. It would have been nice to use that as a guide while we were going through the process, but alas....it was not meant to be. I felt like I no longer belonged to myself. I was a servent of the state. When they said be here, or be there, I had no choice but to be there. My days became increasingly long, and the nights longer. Always, always in the back of my mind, I wondered when this sweet baby was going to go back. Everybody involved, the caseworker, the guardian ad litem, even our own caseworker said that she would not go anywhere for at least 6 months if not longer. I didn't believe them. I consider it one of the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven because both Kevin and I knew that the time we had with our princess was limited.

As the days progressed, I found myself hoping that we would be able to keep her. I know this sounds so selfish...but that was the honest hope that I had. With us, she had a complete family. Brothers and a sister who loved and adored her. With us, she would have the gospel in her life, she would have the possiblity of being sealed to us forever. With us, she would have the priesthood in her home. To me it made so much more sense that Heavenly Father would want her here with us.

Fathers' day weekend, Kevin and I both knew that this was the last weekend we had with our baby. We prepared the kids as best we could, but what do you say to a 13, 11, 6 and 3 year old to help them understand whats going on? On Monday morning, to the amazement of everyone in the courtroom, except for Kevin and myself, the judge ordered the baby back to her mother. Everyone was shocked. I was numb! I would have to do this alone!! Kevin was on his way out of town. I spent the next few hours running on pure adrenaline as I worked frantically to get everything ready for the birth mother and our sweet baby. The following morning was such a bittersweet day. It is one that I will never ever forget. It is one that I am so blessed to have experienced. I can honestly say that I felt my Savior carrying me through the transition. To this day I still feel Him.

This experience that we have gone through as a family is one of our most precious memories we've ever had. Our sweet baby girl has touched our lives in such a way that nobody else has. There are days that I miss her terribly. My arms ache to hold her. I have been able to see her and talk to the birth mother, and both are doing great. Birth mom still has a ways to go, but she is determined to make a better life for herself and her baby. I have learned that it doesn't matter who we are or what our circumstances are we are all children of our Heavenly Father. It is up to us to help those in need.

We are still waiting for "our" little girl. We don't know when she is coming...we are relying on the will of our Heavenly Father. He is all knowing and has a perfect plan in store for our family. That is the greatest lesson I have learned through this experience. Please keep us in your prayers!